Sometimes, you struggle as a parent. Ok fine- it happens a lot.
Last night, I cried. I mean whole face in hands, ugly sobbing. I cried about significant things, like the state of our country and many other countries around the world.
I cried about insignificant things, like the seemingly overwhelming amount of dishes and laundry and cleaning and cooking etc., that is on-going.
And I cried about introspective, heart-felt things like taking time to research Jr. High’s for our first born and realizing this week, is the last time we will attend a Preschool Christmas performance for any of our daughters.
I cried until I just didn’t have any
more tears. Then, I swifted the floors (why is this so gratifying at the end of a days’ work?!) and brushed my teeth and folded into bed. Practically fetal position.
This morning, I worked up feeling motivated, ready for a new day. I slowed my pace walking to school with the girls, enjoyed helping the 6th grade class with their book choices at the book fair and even reoriented myself after realizing our toddler had croup and wouldn’t be heading to preschool today.
The day was sweet. Full of soup, croupy cuddles and connected conversations with friends at our daughters’ school. Then, I picked up all of the girls and headed for home.
Like bowling pins, the tears came
raining. Not me this time. But instead, one daughter after another.
One was upset over not attending the book fair for the 3rd time in one day. Then, another upset because I put the wrong cheese on a quesadilla. Yikes! Then, another turned upside down because homework was left in a desk at school and even more upset because mom won’t go back to school, for yes- the 4th time today. Finally, sincere tears from our little one with croup who expressed, “My talking is funny sounding and my throat feels like banana peels in there!”
When all the tears dried up. I realized I had achieved a good place. The Mom Cloud.
I was above all the upset, all the dairy discontentments, all the homework snafus, all the sincere frustration over not feeling well and all the other stuff I don’t even understand that led up to the tears.
I may not understand how iCloud officially works, or if any of my data really exists there but the Mom Cloud?! I’ve got this.
But only sometimes.
I had a dear friend, Laura who used to work for an at home infant/mother support program. One day, Laura came to check in on me as I had a newborn and two toddlers. I was actually doing pretty awesome that day, but the 3 girls that day …total messes. Laura asked,
“How are you?”
“We are… “, and before I could finish, she said again…
“No Sweety, How are YOU?”
I was thrown. Me vs We?!
“Well, Laura – I am Great today!! I don’t know what’s going on with them, but I am above it.” She embraced me and gleefully said, “Good for you!”
I still remember where we stood in the hallway when this interaction happened. I treasure that moment and I treasured her presence when I needed it the most. She left stacking cups for our two older daughters to play with. She folded them into my hands as she weaved maternal confidence into every thread of me when she left.
Being in the Mom Cloud means you are empathetic, loving, and patient. No matter what is going down with your sweet offspring, you aren’t following. You are rising.
I don’t always get to the Mom Cloud. Sometimes, it’s like I can’t remember the password or which email I used to sign up. I can’t remember what synapse pattern has to be quieted and calmed so I don’t lose it all-together. I haven’t given myself enough buffer at all, so the Cloud?- well, I’ve stepped on it.
But when I get there that Mom Cloud, it’s so strengthening and affirming. It’s peaceful and promising. It’s like kite-flying. Just rolling with the wind and the changes in the weather moment-to-moment. And seeing myself and my actions from outside of my own skin enables me perspective I sometimes lose.
A good cry is worth quite a lot. The release can be fruitful. Perhaps it opens gateways that needed cracking. Tears can push through wind and weather of all sorts to make everything much clearer.
December is a full one. Plenty to celebrate. Plenty to be grateful for. Plenty of ways to help in our community or with family. And plenty of time to rise above ourselves and our worries.